搞笑英语笑话
下面是阳光网小编整理的英语搞笑笑话，希望对大家有帮助。
英语搞笑笑话：
An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.”
有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了?” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”
英语搞笑笑话：
It's His FaultBilly and Bobby were small boys.They were brothers，and they often had fights with each other. Last Saturday their mother said to them，“I'm going to cook our lunch now.Go out and play in the garden—and be good.” “Yes，Mummy，” the two boys answered，and they went out. They played in the garden for half an hour，and then Billy ran into the kitchen.“Mummy，” he said，“Bobby's broken a window in Mrs.Allen's house.” Mrs.Allen was one of their neighbors. “He's a bad boy，”his mother said.“How did he break it?” “I threw a stone at him，” Billy answered，“and he quickly moved down.”
比利和波比都是小男孩。他们是兄弟，两人经常打架。 上个星期六，他们的妈妈对他们说：“我现在要做午饭了。去，到花园去玩吧，别淘气。” “是，妈妈，”两个男孩回答，然后他们就出去了。他们在花园里玩了半个小时，然后比利跑进了厨房。“妈妈，”他说：“波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻璃。”艾伦太太是他们的邻居。 “他是个坏孩子，”他的妈妈说。“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的?” “我朝他扔了一块石子，”比利回答：“他赶紧蹲下。”
英语搞笑笑话：
Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft(阁楼) and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry(钟楼) and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated(熏制) , and they still won’t go away.
The third said, I baptized(洗礼) all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!
三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。其中的一个说道：“你们知道吗，自从夏天来临，我的教堂的阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰，我用尽了一切办法----噪音、喷雾、猫----似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。”
另外一位说：“是啊，我也是。在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍，它们还是赶不走。”
第三个牧师说：“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼，让它们成为教会的一员......从此一只也没有再回来过。”
英语搞笑笑话：
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.
" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"
四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”
第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”
第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!”
英语搞笑笑话：
Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and withbecoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:
″I have known many an instance(实例) of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″
一个星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封,发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。
他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们：“写信时忘了签名的人,我遇到过很多,但只签了名却忘了写信的人,我还是头一次遇到。”
英语搞笑笑话：
The ability of the Kangaroo
The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?" "I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.
袋鼠的能力
动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特殊的八英尺高的.围墙。但是第二天早上，人们发现这动物在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火，又叫人把围墙高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠还是逃了出来。一个长颈鹿问袋鼠：“你认为他们会把围墙建到多高?” “我不知道，”袋鼠说，“如果他们继续开着大门，可能要修到一千英尺吧。”
英语搞笑笑话：
The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch(故障) arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron(赞助人，主顾) was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub(涂抹，涂料) of brilliant red.What's this? exclaimed the purchaser. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.That's it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?They're all drowned.
一天，有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅法老王渡红海图。这幅画刚开始不久，酬金就出现了问题。霍迪斯发现，完成这幅画后，他只能得到他想要的大约一半的钱。当作品完成之后，那位主顾被请来看画。其实，这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的一片鲜红。这是什么?那位买主喊了起来。我要的是红海，是那次著名的航海。这就是，霍迦斯回答说。可是以色列人在哪儿?他们都已经渡过去了。埃及人在哪儿?他们全都淹死了。
英语搞笑笑话：瞎子的判断
Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he
stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.
从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。
英语搞笑笑话：always thirsty 总感到口渴
"i had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”
"that's terrible!" said the friend. "got any pain?"
“真是太糟糕了!”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗?”
"no, but i am always thirsty!"
“不疼，可是我总感到口渴!”
英语搞笑笑话：拳击和赛跑
Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."
丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办?”丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”
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