简单英语小笑话

         笑话的特点是:结构简单紧凑,形式短小精悍,主題单纯专一,语言风趣含蓄,风格诙谐幽默。小编精心收集了有关简单英语小笑话，供大家欣赏学习!

门：其实你只要轻轻推开我，就能拥有我

        Ghange of Plan

　　临时改变主意

　　Frank and Fred had received their draft notices on the same day, and neither wanted to enter the army.

　　法兰克和佛烈德两人同一天收到召集令，两人都不想去服兵役。

　　But Frank had heard that the army would nct accept anyone without teeth, so they both had all their teeth pulled.

　　但法兰克曾经听人说军中不收没有牙齿的人，因此他们两人都把所有的牙齿给拔掉了。

　　On the day of their medical exam, Frank and Fred got in line, but a huge, hairy, smelly truck driver cut in between them.

　　在体格检查那天，他们两人排在同一排队伍，可是有一个大块头、满身毛发而且臭味难当的卡车司机插在他们中间。

　　As Frank got up to the head of the line, he announced to the inspecting sergeant that he had no teeth.

　　当法兰克排到队伍的前头时，他对检查的班长说他没有牙齿，

　　The sergeant had Frank open his mouth, ran his forefinger over the raw gums and said,

　　那名士官要他张开嘴巴，接着用食指在他红肿的牙龈绕了一圈后说道：

　　"Sure endugh, you don’t. You’re rejected. "

　　“没错，你没牙齿，不用当兵!”

　　Turning to the truck driver, he asked, 'What's your problem?"

　　接着轮到卡车司机，士官说：“你有什么问题吗?”

　　The trucker said, "I've got a tremendous case of the piles. "

　　卡车司机说道：“我患有严重的痔疮。”

　　The sergeant had the fellow bend over, inserted his fore finger and rotated it around thoroughly,

　　班长要那个家伙弯下身去，用他的食指在肛门转了一整圈后说道：

　　"Sure enough, you've got a bad case. Rejected!"

　　“没错，你的情形很严重，不合格!”

　　Turning to Fred, the sergeant demanded, "And what's your problem?"

　　再来轮到佛烈德，班长又问：“那你的问题是什么?”

　　Staring at the forefinger, Fred replied, "Nothing at all, sergeant, nothing at all. "

　　凝视着他的食指，佛烈德答道：“没什么问题，班长，我一点问题也没有。”

　　有关简单英语小笑话篇2

　　And Stuff the Cuffs in Your Boots

　　把裤脚塞到你的靴子里面去

　　The untried general faced battle the next day, and was more than a little frightened.

　　一位未曾有过作战经验的将军非常惶恐，因为第二天将有个战役要面对。

　　Seeking inspiration, he looked into the history of great commanders and learned that Wellington had always dressed in red for battle,

　　为了寻找灵感，他翻查了历年来伟大将领的档案，发现威灵顿将军每次战斗中都身穿红色衣服，

　　so that his men would not realize if he were shot.

　　万一他被射伤的话，他的士兵也不会发现。

　　Instantly he called in his adjutant and ordered a pair of trousers in a rich, dark brown.

　　于是他传了副官进来并指示手下做了一条深褐色的裤子。

　　有关简单英语小笑话篇3

　　Keep Your Head

　　头脑要保持冷静!

　　A young man was working in the produce section of a grocery store when a customer asked him for half a head of cabbage.

　　有一个年轻人在一家杂货店的农产部门工作，一天一位顾客要向他买半颗包心菜

　　"Sir, we don't sell half heads of anything. "

　　“先生，我们东西都没有卖半颗的。”

　　"Well, I insist; 1 0nly want half a head. "

　　“哎呀，我就买半颗，我只要半颗。”

　　"I'll ask the manager. "

　　“我要问问经理才行。”

　　The young man walked to the manager's office and, not realizing that the customer had followed him, said to the manager,

　　那名年轻人走到经理的办公室，不知道那位顾客尾随着他，他对经理说道：

　　"Sir, some asshole wants to buy just half a head of cabbage. "

　　“经理，有个浑蛋只要买半颗包心菜。”

　　Turning and noticing the customer, he quickly added,

　　他转身发现那名顾客，立刻又补充说：

　　"And this gentleman wants the other half. "

　　“而这位先生要买另一半。”

　　Later, the manager took the young man aside and said,

　　稍后，经理把他拉到一旁说道：

　　"That was quick thinking, young fellow. We can use bright lads like you. If I hear of a higher position opening up, I'll keep you in mind. "

　　“年轻人，你反应真快。我们需要像你这么聪明的人，如果有较高的职位空缺，我会记得你的。”

　　Sure enough, a few weeks later the manager told the young man that an assistant manager's spot had become vacant in the company's store in Edmonton.

　　几个星期之后，经理告诉那名年轻人在艾得蒙敦分店有个襄理的职位空缺。

　　"Edmonton!" blurted out the young man. "Why, there's nothing in Edmonton but hookers and hockey',event)">hockey playersi"

　　“艾得蒙敦!”年轻人叫了出来，“那儿有的只是妓女和曲棍球选手而已。”

　　"Young man , my wife happens to come from Edmonton! "

　　“年轻人，我太太刚好来自艾得蒙敦!”

　　"No kidding, sir; what posltion does she play?"

　　“真的吗?经理，那她是打哪一个位置呢?”

　　互联网不仅是我们生活中不可缺少的，而且也是我们工作学习之余缓解压力、舒缓情绪的重要渠道。正是由于我们有这样的需要，网络笑话得以繁荣兴盛。阳光网小编分享关于幽默的英语笑话，希望可以帮助大家!

　　关于幽默的英语笑话：You are not in the book

　　Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.

　　The first preacher walked up and said" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in".

　　St. Peter checked his list and said" I'm sorry your name is not in the book."

　　"What!" exclaimed the preacher," I have been a preacher for thirty years!" "Yes" replied St. Peter,"However,you are guilty of glutteny, you loved food and sweets so much you even married a woman named Candy."

　　The pastor,defeated took his wifes hand and walked away.

　　The next preacher came up to the St. feeling pretty certain he would be allowed in. "I'm ready to come in St. Peter" he said with a smile."I'm sorry, your name is not in the book." "HOw can that be?" asked the preacher, "I have been a pastor for 20 years!" You are guilty of the sin of greed, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny." Defeated, the preacher took his wifes hand and walked away. The last preacher, certain of the out-come, turned to his wife and said, "Come on Fanny, I'm not gettin' in."

　　关于幽默的英语笑话：Crucified

　　Jesus is crucified, hanging on the cross up on a hill. Below the hill there is a crowd of onlookers, including St. Peter.

　　"Peter! Peter! I need to tell you something" Jesus cries.

　　So Peter, devoted to his Lord, breaks from the crowd towards the hill only to be stopped by a group of Roman soldiers, beat up and thrown back down.

　　"Peter! Please, I need to tell you something!" Jesus cries.

　　Again, full of faith and love for Christ, he runs up the hill and almost gets past the soldiers. But, he's caught, beat up again and tossed back into the crowd.

　　Finally, Jesus screams "Peter, I must tell you something. Please, come to me!"

　　Peter, sorrowed by his Lord's suffering, runs up the hill bloody and bruised and finally makes it past the soldiers. He kneels in front of Jesus: "Here I am my lord, your faithful servant. What is it that you need to tell me?"

　　Jesus smiles and says "Yo, I can see my house from up here."

　　关于幽默的英语笑话：Holy Bread

　　A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to the Vatican.

　　He meets with the Pope: "Holy Father, my company would like to make a substantial

　　donation to the Holy Mother Church - but there's only one condition...."

　　"Yes, my son?"

　　"We'd like you to authorize changing the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily

　　bread to give us this day, our daily chicken."

　　"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know."

　　"Well your Holiness, we are prepared to give you a Million dollars to do this."

　　"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know."

　　So, the chicken man, hurries off for a quick phone call to his boss and he comes back.

　　"Your Worship, I am authorized to go up to one Billion dollars if you change "Give us this

　　day our daily bread, to give us this day our daily chicken."

　　The Pope shrugs with a smile and says, "Well, now, my Son, give me a call tomorrow."

　　Later that day the Pope has a big meeting with his Cardinals, Bishops, Priests

　　the whole Vatican family is there.

　　He says to them, "Boys, I gotta some a good news, and I gotta some a bad news...."

　　"The good news is that the Holy Mother Church has come into one Billion dollars!!"

　　(CHEERING! APPLAUSE! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!)

　　"Boys, the bad news is that we have lost the Wonderbread account!"

　　下面是阳光网小编整理的英语爆笑笑话，欢迎大家阅读!

　　英语爆笑笑话：Dream 梦想

　　The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

　　"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

　　"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.

　　"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.

　　农校的招生办主任在面试一个上线的学生，“你为何要选择这个职业?”他问。 “我梦想以经营农场来赚一百万元，就像我父亲一样。”这个学生回答说。 “你父亲经营农场赚了一百万元?”主任惊诧地问道。

　　“没有，”这位申请人回答道，“他总是梦想着赚到这个数目。”

　　英语爆笑笑话：Wedding or Not

　　Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.

　　Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!

　　弗兰克叔叔七十八岁了，富有而健康。他是个终生单身汉。他曾追求过很多女孩，但“从不过热----见好就收”。一天他突发奇想，决定四处走走，去看看他那些接近一打的旧时女友。

　　他回来即叹道：“嘘!谢天谢地幸亏我没娶那些女人中的任何一个。如今她们都成寡妇了!”

　　英语爆笑笑话：A Boy with a Big Head大头娃娃

　　A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."

　　"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."

　　"Where is the shopping bag?"

　　"I haven't got one-use your hat."

　　一个小男孩向他母亲哭诉道：“他们都取笑我，说我脑袋大。” “别听他们的，”他母亲安慰道，“你有一个很漂亮的脑袋。好啦，别哭了，去商店买十斤土豆来。”

　　“购物袋在哪儿?”

　　“没购物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。”

　　英语爆笑笑话：All Right 没关系

　　Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.

　　我赶着开车将11岁的女儿送到学校去，在红灯处右拐了，而那是不允许的(译注:在一些国家如英国,其交通规则是车辆左行的,与我国相反)。啊噢，意识到犯了错误，我说。我刚才拐弯是违章的'。我想那没关系的，女儿回答说：我们后面的警车也同样拐了弯。

　　英语爆笑笑话：第一次开出租车

　　A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

　　The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

　　乘客轻拍了一下出租车司机的肩膀，想问个问题。司机大叫起来，车也失去了控制，几乎撞上一辆公车，还上了便道，在还差几厘米就撞上商店橱窗时终于停了下来。

　　司机说：“伙计，别再这么干了。你把我吓破胆了!”乘客抱歉地说，“我没想到拍你一下就吓成这样。” 司机说：“对不起，也不全是你的错。今天是我第一天开出租，以前25年里我一直开殡葬车。”

　　英语爆笑笑话：摩西和耶稣

　　A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".

　　一个窃贼潜入一户人家。他看到一个喜欢的CD机，他赶紧拿了。就在这个时候他听到有人说：“耶稣正在看着你。”他照着手电看来看去，嘀咕着：“到底是什么人在说话?”这时，他看到桌子上有些钱，他又拿了。。。那声音又来了：“耶稣正在看着你。”他躲到一个角落，想找出是谁在说话。结果看到一只鹦鹉，于是他问鹦鹉：“是你在说话吗?”鹦鹉承认了。 小贼说：“你叫什么名字?”“摩西”。小贼说：“什么人给鸟取这种名字?”鹦鹉回答：“就是那个给他的罗威那犬取名为‘耶稣’的那个人啊。”

　　英语爆笑笑话：Only One Eye to Settle On

　　The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"

　　"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.

　　姑娘找到媒人，说：“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前为什么不告诉我?” “怎么没告诉你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你们第一回见面后，我就说，他一眼就看中你了。”

　　英语爆笑笑话：上帝是不聋，可奶奶聋呀!

　　Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

　　His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

　　To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

　　两个小男孩在他们的祖父母家过夜。睡觉时间到了，这两个小男孩跪在床上祈祷。弟弟用非常大的声音祈祷着，“我祈求有一辆新自行车……我祈求有一个新游戏机……我祈求有一个新录像机……”

　　他的哥哥用胳膊肘轻轻地碰了他一下，说：“你为什么这么大声地喊叫呢?上帝又不是聋子。”

　　弟弟听了回答道：“上帝是不聋，可奶奶聋呀!”

　　英语爆笑笑话：The Use of a Handsaw

　　At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.

　　Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.

　　Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.

　　The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.

　　在集市上，我和妻子买了一些五金用品，包括一个手锯。我们返回汽车时刚好路过一家牛排店。 “我们尝尝吧，”我妻子建议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的，但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说：“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我，看了看我的锯，说道：“我能看出，先生，你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”

　　英语爆笑笑话：你爸爸帮你了吗?

　　One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.

　　The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.

　　He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"

　　"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."

　　一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。

　　老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。

　　他把蒂姆叫到桌前说："蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事?你爸爸帮你做了吗?"

　　"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。"

　　英语爆笑笑话：怎么把口香糖取出来呢

　　How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?

　　怎么把口香糖取出来呢当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

　　英语爆笑笑话：A Blind Beggar

　　There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money. A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine. The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.

　　在路边一个盲人乞丐戴着墨镜在街上行乞。一个醉汉走过来，觉得他可怜，就扔了一百元给他。走了一段路，醉汉一回头，恰好看见那个盲人正对着太阳分辨那张百元大抄的真假。醉汉过来一把夺回钱道：“你不想活了，竟敢骗老子!” 盲人乞丐一脸委屈说：“大哥，真对不起啊，我是替一个朋友在这看一下，他是个瞎子，去上厕所了，其实我是个哑巴。”“哦，是这样子啊!”于是醉汉扔下钱， 又摇摇晃晃地走了……