英语搞笑对话段子-英语搞笑段子
老师叫我们周一带一份肉肉去学校
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一封遗嘱(中英)
one day a very sick old man calls his doctor, his lawyer, and his CPA to his deathbed:
一位得了重病的老人把他的医生、律师和会计师叫到了自己的病床前。
old man: "I am giving you each an envelope containing $100, 000 cash, my life savings. When I die, I want to take it all with me. As the three people I most trust, I want you to be the last three to file by my coffin at the funeral, each placing the money in the coffin.
老人说:我会给你们每人一个装有io万美元现金的信封，这是我一生的积蓄，在我死后，我想随身带走，你们是我最值得信赖的人，所以在我的葬礼上，请你们排在走过我棺材队伍的最后，然后把钱放进我的棺材里。
Several days later the old man dies. The doctor, lawyer, and CPA file by the coffin, each placing an envelope, and the man is buried. Some weeks later, the three meet at the golf course. The doctor calls the other two aside.
几天后老人去世了，医生、律师和会计师排队走过棺材，每个人都往棺材里放了一个信封，老人被埋葬了。几个星期后，三个人在高尔夫球课上碰见了。
Doctor: "I have an admission to make. I needed X30, 000 to pay for a new Mercedes, so I took what I needed out of the envelope, and I feel terrible about it!”
医生对旁边的两个人说:“我要坦白一件事，因为我需要花30000美元买一辆新的奔驰车，所以，我从信封中拿走了我急需用的钱，我现在感到很不安。”
CPA:"I also feel terrible. I needed $70，000 to pay for a new yacht，so I also took what I needed from the envelope.”
会计师说:“我也感到不安，因为我需要70000美元来买一艘新的小快艇，所以我也从信封拿了我要用的钱。”
Lawyer: "You two should be ashamed of yourselves, I’ll have you know that I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the coffin.”
律师:“你们真应该对自己的所作所为感到惭愧，我要告诉你们，我可是将整整10万美元的账单放进了棺材里。”
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我解雇秘书的原因(中英)
One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
一个男士在向另外一个男士解释他为什么解雇了自己的秘书。
"Two Weeks ago,” I said, "was my forty一fifth birthday and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say ` Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say ‘Good Morning' let alone say ‘Happy Birthday’.”
他说:“两星期以前是我45岁的生日，可那天早晨，我一点都不觉得兴奋。我走进厨房去吃早餐，心想妻子一定会高兴的对我说生日快乐，也许她还会为我准备了一份礼物，可她却连‘早安’都没说，就更不用说‘生日快乐’了。
"I said to myself ‘Well that’s wives for you. The children will remember.’ But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.”
当时我对自己说，这只是太太，孩子们一定会记得的，可是当孩子们进来吃早餐的时候，居然连一个词都没提。我要去上班了，心里觉得特别的失落和沮丧。
"As I walked into my office, Janet said ‘Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered.”
当我走进办公室的时候，简尼特对我说:‘老板，早晨好，生日快乐’，我感到了一丝欣慰，毕竟还有人记得呀!
"I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, `You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I'.” I said, "By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.”
我工作到了中午，简尼特敲开我的门说:‘你知道吗?今天外面多美啊，正巧又是你的生日，我们去吃午餐吧，就你和我。’我说:‘太棒了，这是我一天中听到的最令人兴奋的'事情，那我们快走吧。’
"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.”
于是我们去吃午餐，我们没到平时去的地方，而是去了乡村一个很隐蔽的地方，我们喝了两瓶马丁尼酒，快乐地享受着午餐。
"On the way back to the office, she said, ‘You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?’ I said, ‘No, I guess not.’ She said, ‘Let’s go by my apartment, and I’11 fix you another Martini.’ ”
在回办公室的路上，她说:‘你知道吗?今天是多么美好的一天啊，我们都不想回办公室对吧?’我说:‘我想是的。’她又说:‘那我们去我的家吧!我为你再开一瓶马丁尼酒。’
"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, ‘Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'11 go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable’ and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.”
于是我们来到了她的家，又喝了一瓶酒，还抽了一些香烟。她说:‘老板，如果你不介意，我想去卧室换一身舒适的衣服，’我告诉她我一点都不介意，还让她快去。
"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she ca
她走进卧室，大约6分钟后，走出来，拿着一个大的生日蛋糕，身后却是我的妻子和孩子们，他们齐声合唱:‘祝你生日快乐’。可这时我却是一丝不挂，只穿着一双袜子坐在那里。”
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世界标准(中英)
In my university bookshop the other day, inquiring about the availability of a book for my research, I told the Lady behind the counter that I had all the details of the book，and asked if she wanted the Title, Author list, Publisher, or what?
一天，在大学的书店里，我要为我的研究借一本书，我告诉柜台后的一位女士有关这本书的详细情况，问她是否需要书的名字、作者名单、出版社及别的。
"The ISBN number is all I need. It’s the world standard. With the ISBN number, I can locate the book on the computer and order it for you.”
“我只需要国际标准书号，它是世界标准，有了这个号码，我就可以从计算机里查到这本书在哪里并订购。”
I handed over the sheet of paper with the details and pointed to the ISBN number.
我递给了她一张纸，上面记着有关书的详细内容，并指给她国际标准书号。
"Oh, damn，you've got the American ISBN number, and we need the European ISSN number.”
“噢，该死的，你这是美国的国际标准书号，我所需要的是欧洲的国际标准书号。”
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