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「BEC写作」解析：这封邮件有何不妥之处？(2)
首先看一看这篇邮件 请找出其中的问题,然后试着改一改呢~
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From: A@rightway.com Date: 25:7:1-16:06:29 To: B@rightway.com Subject: REMINDER!!! John Appreciate if you would consider and bear in mind that I am no longer responsible for dealing with petty cash. Some of your staff keep bringing their vouchers to me, but this responsibility has been taken over by Martin in Accounts, he is the one who should be contacted henceforth for all petty cash matters. Your cooperation is appreciated in making sure all your staffs know about this. BRgs/Sally |
下面,试着指出其中的问题 ~
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Subject: REMINDER[a1] !!! John Appreciate [a2] if you would consider and bear in mind[a3] that I am no longer responsible[a4] for dealing with petty[a5] cash. Some of your staff[a6] keep bringing their vouchers to me, but this responsibility has been taken over by Martin in Accounts , [a7] he is the one who should be contacted henceforth [a8] for all petty cash matters. Your [ a9] cooperation is appreciated in making sure all your staffs [a1 0] know about this. BRgs [ a11] /Sally |
[a1]这里记得遵循SMART原则。详见:http:///new/p798628/。
[a2]措辞唐突生硬,有种趾高气扬的嚣张气焰... 这篇信函是ask for cooperation,所以语气更应诚恳和气。同时应该加上明确的主语。
[a3]虽然用的是would,但其实与“你必须记住!”无异。 [ a4] 这里也比较无礼。
[a5]猜测写信人有可能是升值或者换岗位了,所以不负责现金兑换的事宜。但是语气很高傲…蔑视了之前的这份工作。
[a6]这句话的语气更是,把责任推给了收信人。
[a7]此处应用句号。注意两句完整的句子之间应该加连词,如and 或者but;或者使用分号连接两个相对的完整句子。
[ a8] 这个词比较过时,传达的意义比较模糊。
[a9]结尾比较唐突。 [ a10] Staff不能加s
[ a11] 此处为Regards,省略后不礼貌。
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Subject: Sally’s Job Transfer Dear John Have you heard about the job transfer in our department? Now, I am dealing with other accounting problems arising in our current project, so Martin in Accounts will be responsible for the matters related with vouchers and what I previously did. I would appreciate it if you communicate this message to your staff. Thank you! Best wishes Sally |
你有更好的完善方法吗?
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